reporter contents :: albright college

by Jennifer Post Stoudt

“Why don’t you stay at home with the kids,” Peter Steinberg’s ’86 wife asked after he finished his master’s program in social work. But Steinberg was puzzled. “I’m a man. I have to go to work,” he thought to himself.

For two years, that’s what he did. As a social worker, Steinberg drove almost an hour every day to a private mental health facility. Both he and his wife worked full-time, putting their two daughters, Kali and Natalie, in daycare.

However, when his oldest daughter asked, “Daddy, why do you go to work everyday?” Steinberg says the only answer he could muster was, “So we can afford daycare for you.” That was the turning point for the Steinberg family.

“It just made more sense for me to stay at home,” he says. “Social workers don’t make that much money and it has reduced a lot of the frustration and stress on my wife and I.”

However, soon after he began his role as a stay-at-home dad, Steinberg says he realized that even though he was friends with the stay-at-home mother who lived next door, “I needed to talk to other fathers.”

In a 1996 study by psychotherapist Dr. Robert Frank, results revealed that primary caregiving fathers feel isolated more than primary caregiving mothers.

Some of this isolation comes from people’s reactions to someone who is a stay-at-home father, Steinberg says. “A lot of our friends felt it was a great decision, but some people questioned it, thinking it would cause my wife to have to work a lot harder.” Unfortunately, he adds, “My daughters’ friends’ parents see it as being weird. They think, ‘what’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he work?’ I always feel like I have to explain myself. It definitely takes some getting used to.”

“My daughters’ friends’ parents see it as being weird. They think, ‘what’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he work?’ I always feel like I have to explain myself. It definitely takes some getting used to.”

In the beginning, Steinberg says he just assumed he was the only father who stayed at home with his children. However, through the Internet and e-mail, Steinberg found out that “there are a lot of us.” Little by little, his circle of stay-at-home dads grew. “I realized that not only did the kids need an outlet, but I did too,” he says. Eventually, several of the fathers started getting together on a regular basis, and DCMetro Dads became a reality. Founded by Steinberg, DCMetro Dads is a network of stay-at-home fathers in the Washington, D.C., Maryland and Virginia areas.

“It’s a place where fathers can meet fathers,” Steinberg says. The organization’s mission is to reduce the isolation of stay-at-home dads and provide social, as well as educational activities for its members. Now approximately 79 members strong, Steinberg says the group has formed playgroups that meet regularly, created a monthly “Dad’s Night Out,” and uses e-mail to keep in touch with one another, providing advice on topics ranging from what to prepare for dinner and disciplining the children to car problems and the best family vacation spots.

“It’s important to be able to meet other stay-at-home fathers in order to get over society’s perception,” Steinberg says. “Stay-at-home mothers just look at us differently.”

“I thought I would be bored. No way am I bored!”

The entertainment industry, however, has helped in recent years to recognize the importance of stay-at-home fathers. In the 1980s, Michael Keaton portrayed a stay-at-home dad with no idea how to raise children in the smash hit Mr. Mom. Ten years later, Robin Williams dressed as a woman in Mrs. Doubtfire so he could stay home and care for his children. And now, even television is embracing the trend with sitcoms such as Daddio and My Wife & Kids.

But regardless of society’s perception, staying at home with his children has been a “good experience for everyone,” says Steinberg.

Mornings at the Steinberg residence in Springfield, Va. used to be chaotic, he says. But now, “My wife is in charge of getting the kids up and dressed and I’m in charge of getting everyone out on time, including my wife.”

This is only the beginning to Steinberg’s day though.

Once everyone is off to school and work, the laundry must be done, groceries must be bought, and bills must be paid. Then the kids come home from school. Now it’s time for snacks, homework, driving to and from after school activities and…oh yeah, we can’t forget to cook dinner. “In the beginning,” Steinberg says,

“I thought I would be bored. No way am I bored!”

“We have gained the value of time.”

But regardless of the busy schedule, Steinberg says, “Being available to my kids and watching them grow is priceless. And, not only has it reduced a lot of the frustration and stress on me and my wife, it allows the kids to develop friendships and partake in so many different activities.” In addition, he says, “The kidsare learning that a woman can support a family.”

In Frank’s 1996 study, he found that children of an at-home dad family have both a strong father influence and a strong mother influence. Both parents play an important role in their development. This is in contrast to the at-home mother family, in which the children have a strong mother influence but little influence from the father.

“During the day,” Steinberg says, “the family is my focus. After dinner is when my wife takes over. She gets them ready for bed and cuddles with them…it’s her favorite activity.”

Best of all, he says, “The weekends are all ours now. We can focus on the kids and ourselves,” rather than focusing on the grocery shopping or cleaning the house.

Feeling blessed, Steinberg says that by being able to stay at home with the kids, “We have gained the value of time,” a luxury many families are without.